Center for Swine Flu Panic

Viruses Smell Fear and Pounce

2009-12-24T05:49:00.001-08:00

As H1N1 makes a strategic retreat, it seems to be allowing other respiratory viruses to do its dirty-work.

Rhinovirus, RSV, adenovirus- all 'typical' cold viruses with an unusually potent maliciousness this season. Is it viral hubris?

Perhaps these will all be beaten back, but at what cost to our collective immune system?

Are we merely being softened-up for the next wave of more deadly attacks by H1N1, perhaps even in a new mutant form? Time will tell.

clipped from www.reuters.com

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Several flu-like viruses are more common than usual this flu season in the United States, adding to the misery and confusion caused by H1N1 swine flu, one lab company said on Tuesday.

Breaking News Panic Alert Round-up

2009-11-21T01:02:00.001-08:00

Be very afraid! The news on the swine flu front is all bad. A deceptive calm pervades, on the heels of an impotent CDC whimper that cases may have peaked in the US.

We at the Center for Swine Flu Panic warned in June of 2009 that there was a likelihood that the situation could reach a meta-stable point and then rush headlong into disaster, through the background process of:

ANTIGENIC SHIFT. Did anyone listen?

True to that prescient reportage, scientists in Norway are RIGHT NOW investigating mutant H1N1 that has the potential for infiltrating the lungs more deeply, causing more severe disease and higher mortality!

Meanwhile, our pharmacological bulwark is being washed over by a tidal wave of DRUG-RESISTANT STRAINS of the virus.

In the shadows of a cold Ukrainian night, a plane lands on an airstrip with its lights turned-off, its transponder silenced by the pilot.

An extraordinary rendition is taking place. Boxes of Tamilflu are being off-loaded for the President and his cronies. Meanwhile, the terrified Ukrainian populace, having no access to this last smoldering candle of hope, reverts to Medieval superstitions:

"anxious residents have overwhelmed hospitals and pharmacies, buying up supplies of gauze masks and home remedies such as lemons and garlic. Rumors have proliferated that people are dying of a new, more lethal strain of the virus.'

How long can it be until the first round of witch trials begins? Oh, the humanity...

Technorati tags: swine flu, pandemic, h1N1, panic, Tamiflu, mutant H1N1, drug-resistant

iPhone App Offers Enhanced Real-Time Fear

2009-11-19T23:39:00.001-08:00

That's right, if you're an iPhone user you can now receive instant alerts when Swine Flu strikes down someone in your zipcode or surrounding areas.

The level of detail will be sure to quicken your pulse, as you begin to receive updates when your neighbors fall victim to the insidious, unrelenting tornado of H1N1 virus particles.

While you can download it FREE from the iPhone app store, HealthMap offers even more if you visit their website, including a real-time global visualization of the pandemic as it washes ashore at your doorstep. You can even follow it on Twitter.

But it doesn't end there. No, HealthMap tracks all types of infectious disease outbreaks. Watch and tremble as dengue fever or E Coli march into a region near you- near your pets and children, near everyone that is dear to you.

Technorati tags: iPhone app, iPhone, swine flu, H1N1, outbreak

H1N1 is in Control: Abandon All Hope

2009-11-13T00:57:00.001-08:00

Technorati tags: swine flu, pandemic, H1N1, vaccine, flu

Take a look at that line. It's a line of ominous portent. It's the course of a hurricane of viral particles, sweeping across the globe. The CDC estimates 22 million have succumbed to the infection. 'Nothing can be done,' was the verdict hey rendered months ago, to prevent the pandemic. Vaccine is in short supply. People are wait-listed at clinics and stand in long lines at the Town Hall, hoping their children will be among the fortunate.

Dose this sound like a nightmare, or a bad science fiction film? It is and it's called "Real Life." I don't know, maybe that's too close to MTV's "Real World." But anyway, it's real. The fever, the respiratory distress. Chills and aches and these numbers:

17,838 Hospitalizations
672 Deaths

The government has established a dedicated website: http://flu.gov/

I wonder if they had to pay large sums of money to pry away the domain name from a paranoiac or if they can just seize it under provisions of the Patriot Act? Someone should look into this.

Looking Out For #1

2009-11-01T07:04:00.001-08:00

As you can see from the headline in our local print newspaper, Swine Flu has begun its unrelenting, grinding death march through our town.

No one has died- yet. But here at the Center for Swine Flu Panic, our studies have shown that the premature introduction of certain words into the collective unconscious hastens the development of panic and increases the overall anxiety level in the community at-large.

If you examine my arm, above the paper, you will see that I have a bandage over the injection site where I received my Sanofi H1N1 vaccination. Did you know that, if you misspell H1N1 you can spell hini? The hini, or 'heinie' was once a popular location for shots, and is still used for certain substances, such as gamma globulin. Gamma globulin is collected from human blood and, in the past, was subject to HIV contamination. I haven't fact-checked that, but someone told me and it sounds pretty scary. Keep it in mind if you ever have it administered.

Anyway, as they say on the airplane safety video 'if the mask drops, take care of your own needs before your child's needs.' Heeding this advice, I had my injection administered on last Thursday, while my 4 year-old has to wait until today. Then tomorrow she will plunge into the cesspool of pathogens known as pre-school.

Cheers! Clyde

Technorati tags: swine flu, flu outbreak in New Jersey

Chinese Plague Outbreak Provides Needed Summer Vacation from Swine Flu Worries

2009-08-07T04:27:00.001-07:00

In case you missed it, The Plague is on the march, again. When it peaked in Europe in 1348-1350, it left around 50% of the population alive. That's the good news. The bad news is that the current outbreak is the pneumonic variant, spread through inhalation- the errant sneeze or unnoticed cough, which kills in 24 hours.

So you can stop worrying about Swine Flu until Autumn, when we'll see if the biological Cuisinart of Nature rearranges its genome into something more fiercely lethal.

Meanwhile, though the mortality rate of the Bubonic Plague, characterized by the grossly-swollen lymph nodes, or buboes, suffered by the victims, was about 80%, for the inhalation form- the pneumonic plague- the mortality rate is more like 95%.

So what do you do when your Western Chinese town has experienced 3 deaths, 10 ill, and the village has been sealed-off as a quarantine measure? Why, flee, of course! Remember, its only a plane-ride away...

clipped from www.google.com

People trying to flee China plague town

BEIJING — Residents of a town in northwest China where three people have died from pneumonic plague said Wednesday scared people were trying to leave despite a strict quarantine to contain the virulent disease.

A fourth person was near death in Ziketan, a remote town of 10,000 people in a Tibetan area of Qinghai province, the official Xinhua news agency said.

Another patient was in serious condition and seven others were infected, most of them relatives of the first fatality, a 32-year-old herdsman.

Local authorities have quarantined the town, which is about 200 kilometres (125 miles) southwest of the provincial capital Xining, and its vicinity but some people were trying to flee, residents said.

Great Source for N95 Bird Flu Defender Masks

2009-07-09T04:16:00.001-07:00

Ordinarily, the Center for Swine Flu Panic eschews product endorsements. However, in this case we believe that we've found the right protection at the right cost.

Now we want to see everyone, young and old together, and middle-aged as well, and teenagers (possibly), strolling confidently down the boulevard, holding each others' hypo-allergenic neoprene-gloved hands, and wearing the N95 avian flu defender mask. Perhaps someone will sneeze into theirs. No cause for alarm! The pathogens will be safely confined within the mask. Clean-up is a breeze with this low-cost model. Simply incinerate, and you're done!

We Can Eat Our Way Out of This

2009-06-19T07:28:00.001-07:00

Welcome to a special edition of Swine Flu Panic Center's news round-up. A lot has happened since our last report so let's hp to it. First this from the CDC:

clipped from cdc.gov

A Pandemic Is Declared

On June 11, 2009, the World Health Organization (WHO) raised the worldwide pandemic alert level to Phase 6 in response to the ongoing global spread of the novel influenza A (H1N1) virus. A Phase 6 designation indicates that a global pandemic is underway.

WHO’s decision to raise the pandemic alert level to Phase 6 is a reflection of the spread of the virus, not the severity of illness caused by the virus. It’s uncertain at this time how serious or severe this novel H1N1 pandemic will be in terms of how many people infected will develop serious complications or die from novel H1N1 infection. Experience with this virus so far is limited and influenza is unpredictable. However, because novel H1N1 is a new virus, many people may have little or no immunity against it, and illness may be more severe and widespread as a result. In addition, currently there is no vaccine to protect against novel H1N1 virus.

Lest I propagate the impression that no good has come of this pandemic, let me refer you to this email that I received, offering me a $500 USD Visa gift card just for answering a few simple questions about the upcoming plague:

Isn't that thoughtful?

For those of you who wish to keep tabs on the never-ending march of the H1N1 plague, here is the latest activity map from the Center for Disease Control. "CDC.gov- visit for the concern, stay for the fear."

Yes, the country is slowly turning brown. Wait until fall! And while I still romantically cling to the picture of a lone cosmic ray haplessly wandering the universe until it happens to pierce the DNA of the H1N1 genome, catastrophically rearranging it in Spiderman-fashion, and thereby creating a Super Virus, the more likely scenario seems to be a process called 'antigenic shift.' The problem it seems, is that pigs can contract swine, avian, and human viruses, and serve as a tureen of viruses where the whole soup exchanges bits of genetic sequences in a grand experiment to wipe-out humanity.

clipped from en.wikipedia.org

For example, if a pig were infected with a human influenza virus and an avian influenza virus at the same time, an antigenic shift could occur, producing a new virus that had most of the genes from the human virus, but a hemagglutinin or neuraminidase from the avian virus. The resulting new virus would likely be able to infect humans and spread from person to person, but it would have surface proteins (hemagglutinin and/or neuraminidase) not previously seen in influenza viruses that infect humans, and therefore to which most people have little or no immune protection. If this new virus causes illness in people and can be transmitted easily from person to person, an influenza pandemic can occur.^[5]

Fortunately there are sincere folks who just want to help. Take this guy:

He even offers a shampoo that can help:

Could this elixir be the 'Fountain of Youth'? Could it cure or prevent the flu? We'll never know, since it is not subject to rigorous scientific testing. At least it doesn't come from 'The Valley of the Shadow of Death.'

Just remember folks: we CAN eat our way out of this global threat. I wanna give a shout-out to all my Vegan and vegetarian friends: think about the future of the planet and reconsider sausage- today!

Panic Spreads at Accelerating Pace!

2009-06-11T14:53:00.001-07:00

It's been a big week for the H1N1 virus. Besides making plans for an Autumnal apocalyptic mutation, the WHO finally granted it pandemic status, raising the stature of this virus from a porcine outcast to a full-fledged threat to humanity:

clipped from www.cnn.com

Swine flu 'not stoppable,' World Health Organization says

(CNN) The World Health Organization raised the swine flu alert Thursday to its highest level, saying the H1N1 virus has spread to enough countries to be considered a global pandemic.

Elsewhere, lightning-rod for disasters, Mayor Ray Nagin was detained in a Swine Flu quarantine:

clipped from www.cnn.com

New Orleans mayor quarantined in China for possible flu exposure

(CNN) -- The mayor of New Orleans, Louisiana, has been quarantined in China after possible exposure to the H1N1 virus, his office said Sunday.

Mayor Ray Nagin, who traveled to China on an economic development trip, flew on a plane that carried a passenger being treated for symptoms suspected to be from the virus, commonly known as the swine flu virus, the mayor's office said in a statement.

While the laudably panicky level of this response is rewarding, we wish it could have been a State Department Official, or perhaps even the President himself who had been detained. This would have added a welcome element of international political crisis to the health threat. Fortunately, we also have news of an American citizen exercising his right to bear arms, albeit in an unspecified manner related somehow to his own child's case of H1N1. Achoo! This is nothing to sneeze at- that gun is loaded and ready to vaccinate:

clipped from www.cnn.com

Police: School official wrestles gun-wielding dad over flu memo

NEW YORK (CNN) -- A New York middle school superintendent wrestled to the ground a gun-wielding parent apparently irate over the school's latest swine flu memo, officials said.

Police and school officials identified the suspect as Peter Cocker, 37, parent of a recently ill student at South Orangetown Middle School in Rockland County.

The man barged into the office of South Orangetown School District Superintendent Ken Mitchell brandishing a gun, said B.J. Greco, public information officer for the district.

thanks to Susan from Westport CT for contributing to this update.

Panic in the Supermarket: Good for Sales!

2009-05-26T05:17:00.001-07:00

Here is a photo of the check-out line at my local supermarket. They have done a wonderful job of subtly suggesting that customers spend money out of a prudent sense of impending doom. Just to point out the details: the word 'FEAR' in 120 point type subliminally suggests that one should be afraid. Juxtaposed ever so slyly with the Purell, at the very moment in time when money is coming out of the customer's pocket will likely result in sales of both products. Marketing science achieves yet another pinnacle of success. Press the bar and get a pellet, fellow shopper. Otherwise: THE ELECTRIC SHOCK!

Things are Heating Up

2009-05-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

Make sure you check the CDC weekly influenza outbreak map! It will elevate your panic level by several shades of crimson. Here in Miami-Dade County, my research has turned up one suspicious case, but the health department has determined that the area is riddled with victims.

Now the flu detectives are telling us this new virus is a genetic nightmare. It's a combination of swine, human, and avian flu genes. A perfect complement of genetic machinery to mutate into the virus that vaults us into Level 6 WHO Pandemic status. Where do we go from there? They are going to be FORCED TO ADD LEVELS! Ours go up to eleven....

Stay tuned panic lovers, things are ratcheting-up and my countdown date may soon need readjustment.

After my decon gear arrives, I'll attend to sprucing up this blog with some scary visuals, like animated infection maps that encroach slowly yet relentlessly toward your IP address.

One Dead in US: Panic Level Reaches All-time High

2009-04-29T07:38:00.001-07:00

The Center for Swine Flu Panic has noted that there has been a swine flu fatality reported in the US. The rapid escalation of this threat coupled with the fact that President Obama is, himself, personally making public health recommendations leads us to conclude that the panic level should be raised from SEVERE PANIC to ISOLATED EXTREME PANIC PLUS OVERALL SEVERE PANIC.

Further recommendations regarding the hoarding of foodstuffs, and the stockpiling of appropriate biosafety-level protective gear, as well as handguns, rifles, shotguns, and ammunition, will be forthcoming.

clipped from www.nytimes.com

First U.S. Death From Swine Flu Is Confirmed

Published: April 29, 2009

A Mexican toddler who came to the United States for treatment has died in Texas of the swine flu, state officials said, as President Obama recommended that schools with confirmed or suspected cases of the disease “strongly consider temporarily closing.”

“This is obviously a serious situation, serious enough to take the utmost precautions,” Mr. Obama said.

The president’s remarks, his most extensive on the outbreak of the H1N1 virus since it began, came as fears of the spread of the disease around the world deepened on Wednesday.

Mr. Obama spoke a day after he had asked Congress to provide $1.5 billion in emergency funds to fight the disease, and his comments appeared to reflect a deepening sense of the risk the still ill-understood flu might pose.

Swine Flu Panic Center is Now Open!

2009-04-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

The Swine Flu Panic Center is now open! We are here to help disseminate rumors and fear throughout all geographical areas. Our mission includes:
1- keeping you advised on the level of panic in the news media and public health organizations, like the CDC.
2- issuing overall panic levels, much like the color-coded system used by Homeland Security.
3- giving you specific instructions regarding when and how to panic.

At the moment we are specifically recommending the following:

HOARD CANNED FOODS, DRIED GRAINS AND BEANS, AS WELL AS LO-CAL DESSERT OPTIONS.

AVOID TRAMPLING INCIDENTS THAT WILL OCCUR LATER IN THE PANIC CYCLE.

that's all for now and have a great day!!

Clyde