Breaking News Panic Alert Round-up

Be very afraid! The news on the swine flu front is all bad.  A deceptive calm pervades, on the heels of an impotent CDC whimper that cases may have peaked in the US.

We at the Center for Swine Flu Panic warned in June of 2009 that there was a likelihood that the situation could reach a meta-stable point and then rush headlong into disaster, through the background process of:

ANTIGENIC SHIFT.  Did anyone listen?

True to that prescient reportage, scientists in Norway are RIGHT NOW investigating  mutant H1N1 that has the potential for infiltrating the lungs more deeply, causing more severe disease and higher mortality!

Meanwhile, our pharmacological bulwark is being washed over by a tidal wave of DRUG-RESISTANT STRAINS of the virus.

In the shadows of a cold Ukrainian night, a plane lands on an airstrip with its lights turned-off, its transponder silenced by the pilot.

An extraordinary rendition is taking place. Boxes of Tamilflu are being off-loaded for the President and his cronies. Meanwhile, the terrified Ukrainian populace, having no access to this last smoldering candle of hope, reverts to Medieval superstitions:

"anxious residents have overwhelmed hospitals and pharmacies, buying up supplies of gauze masks and home remedies such as lemons and garlic. Rumors have proliferated that people are dying of a new, more lethal strain of the virus.'

How long can it be until the first round of witch trials begins? Oh, the humanity...

Technorati tags: swine flu, pandemic, h1N1, panic, Tamiflu, mutant H1N1, drug-resistant

iPhone App Offers Enhanced Real-Time Fear

That's right, if you're an iPhone user you can now receive instant alerts when Swine Flu strikes down someone in your zipcode or surrounding areas.

The level of detail will be sure to quicken your pulse, as you begin to receive updates when your neighbors fall victim to the insidious, unrelenting tornado of H1N1 virus particles.

While you can download it FREE from the iPhone app store, HealthMap offers even more if you visit their website, including a real-time global visualization of the pandemic as it washes ashore at your doorstep. You can even follow it on Twitter.

But it doesn't end there. No, HealthMap tracks all types of infectious disease outbreaks. Watch and tremble as dengue fever or E Coli march into a region near you- near your pets and children, near everyone that is dear to you.

Technorati tags: iPhone app, iPhone, swine flu, H1N1, outbreak

H1N1 is in Control: Abandon All Hope

Technorati tags: swine flu, pandemic, H1N1, vaccine, flu

Take a look at that line. It's a line of ominous portent. It's the course of a hurricane of viral particles, sweeping across the globe. The CDC estimates 22 million have succumbed to the infection. 'Nothing can be done,' was the verdict hey rendered months ago, to prevent the pandemic. Vaccine is in short supply. People are wait-listed at clinics and stand in long lines at the Town Hall, hoping their children will be among the fortunate.

Dose this sound like a nightmare, or a bad science fiction film? It is and it's called "Real Life." I don't know, maybe that's too close to MTV's "Real World." But anyway, it's real. The fever, the respiratory distress. Chills and aches and these numbers:

17,838 Hospitalizations
    672  Deaths

The government has established a dedicated website: http://flu.gov/

I wonder if they had to pay large sums of money to pry away the domain name from a paranoiac or if they can just seize it under provisions of the Patriot Act? Someone should look into this.

Looking Out For #1

As you can see from the headline in our local print newspaper, Swine Flu has begun its unrelenting, grinding death march through our town.

No one has died- yet. But here at the Center for Swine Flu Panic, our studies have shown that the premature introduction of certain words into the collective unconscious hastens the development of panic and increases the overall anxiety level in the community at-large.

If you examine my arm, above the paper, you will see that I have a bandage over the injection site where I received my Sanofi H1N1 vaccination. Did you know that, if you misspell H1N1 you can spell hini? The hini, or 'heinie' was once a popular location for shots, and is still used for certain substances, such as gamma globulin. Gamma globulin is collected from human blood and, in the past, was subject to HIV contamination. I haven't fact-checked that, but someone told me and it sounds pretty scary. Keep it in mind if you ever have it administered.

Anyway, as they say on the airplane safety video 'if the mask drops, take care of your own needs before your child's needs.' Heeding this advice, I had my injection administered on last Thursday, while my 4 year-old has to wait until today. Then tomorrow she will plunge into the cesspool of pathogens known as pre-school.

Cheers! Clyde

Technorati tags: swine flu, flu outbreak in New Jersey